I have noticed that whenever I'm going through a rough stage in my life, I always turn to LiveJournal to make everything better.

Actually, I'm considering getting a new account for a fresh start and a new username.

But not just yet.  It's late and I can't be bothered.

So...  *sigh*

Today, the guy I like told me that he prefers skinny girls.

As you probably know, I'm far away from being skinny.  My heart almost tore in two when he told me, although I can't say that I didn't expect it. All guys like skinny girls, don't they?  I mean, being short and fat is hardly having people queuing up to date me.  Nor will it ever, until I get myself to the below average weight for my height.  I don't want to be normal anymore.  I need to be skinny, I need to be thin, I need to see my bones beneath my skin.  Until that point comes, I will not be happy with myself.

Recently i've been judging my size by looking at people around me.  Why is everyone so tiny compared to me?  So utterly beautiful and thin, and in proportion.  Why is it me that has to put up with having a body like this, disgusting everyone around me and driving them away?

It doesn't help that my ideal guy - oriental, perfect - usually has a smaller figure than average.  So even if by some immaculate phenomenon the guy of my dreams turns around and falls in love with me, I will still be too big for him.  And even if he thinks that I'm perfect, I won't.  It doesn't work that way.  I can't love someone else until I learn to love myself, and I can't love myself until I'm thin and beautiful.  

I can't afford surgery, so my only hope is to start starving myself again.  It worked last time, it's got to work again.  If I can get to under 100lbs, then I'll be more than happy.  If I can get to below 95lbs then I'll be perfect.  Maybe even less....  

I went cycling for 4 hours today and figured out that I burned 800 calories.   I know I can't do 4 hours of bike riding every day, but if I can just eat as little as possible and move around as much as I can then I'll be on the right track for thinness.  

Yeah.  I like the sound of that.

x

 So I've been thinking.

I want a crush.  You know, just someone to infatuate over as a distraction from my mess of a life right now.  Don't get me wrong, I love life, it's just a mess!  

I have an update on my previous post.  I can go to University.  Barely.  It means I'll be in a flat full of girls, and barely have enough to live on, but I can get there.

Anywho... I could have gone out tonight, but I instead chose to stay in and roleplay.  I'm so fucking lame, and I really regret it now.  I want to be out, dancing, having fun, getting pissed with my friends.  So I'm making up for it by listening to Lady GaGa and bopping.

WHILE NURSING A SUDDENLY EXPLODING STOMACH OW OW OW OW OW

FUUCCKKK

Okay... That was an odd sensation...  *wipes brow*  And very painful...

Anyway... College... Bah.  I have a two essays left.  I think.  I hope.  If I have anymore, I'm sure one of my teachers will come along and yell and me for it.  *sigh*  I want to be finished already.  I want to be able to have freedom, if only for a few months.  You know?  I mean, I'm barely in as it is, but when I'm officially finished, it'll be easier.  

I can't wait for Spain, either.  That's what'll really make the end of college worthwhile.  Just to get on that beach, and sunbathe.  I'm still a fatty, but I'll make sure people don't look at me.  *buries self in sand*

x

 Another pretty long break, but I really need the release of writing now.  I have no one around me to talk to about this and whenever I do mention it, I keep getting the same unusable advice.

I don't know what to do.

I really had my heart set on university.  It was my fresh start, my door to bigger opportunities and travel and life.  But I'm not going to be able to afford it.  Not with the loans, not with the bursaries, not with my current wage.  I'm going to be at least £2000 short of what I need to study.  And this is really, really depressing me now.  I didn't realise how out of reach everything is until I received my paycheck today.  £100 of it went in savings for Spain, I bought a game that I've been waiting for since February, and the rest went to pay back my parents.  I've been left with £20 to survive on for the month.  That's got to go towards food and a social life.  I was hoping put at least £200 aside for University... But clearly that's impossible.

I keep crying about it, which is pathetic.  I feel like everyone around me who could go to University is throwing away and opportunity that I don't have.  That I would give anything to have.  Even if I hate it, I'll stick at it, it'll be my gateway to get away from this life.  But I can't reach it, not if I worked until I broke my back, or sold my body, or did anything... The future is looking bleak.

I started seeing another psychiatrist a few weeks ago, but I don't have another appointment until July.  And I could really do with one now.  I don't know what to do with myself.  Finish college even though I have no prospects after it?  Or bum around for the last few weeks and just get a full time job and move out?  Ugh, I just don't know...

And when I was sitting in the garden with my sister today, I realised how much I want a relationship.  No, I need one. I need someone to hold me, someone for me to cry with and trust and talk to.  Someone who will know me better than I know myself.  But looking like this, where am I really going to find someone like that?  Someone who can cope with my up-down moods and needy personality... It's impossible... I'm impossible.

I just feel like I need it right now.  I've spent this half term up in Oxford.  Seemed like a pointless trip to me, spending money that I really shouldn't have and spending time with a friend who values others over myself.  *sigh*  I need some release.  A break, something that doesn't cost any money.

And even though I'm not as depressed as I used to be - I am so hungry for life - I don't know what to do.  It seems like my only path right now is to bum around and do nothing, because every time I get a little bit of hope, and happiness comes just in reach, it's tugged away so cruelly.  I wanted University so desperately.  I would have even put up with an all-girl flat (which I had been assigned to at Derby), but no... No point dwelling on it when I can't afford to go.

Then, sitting on the thought even longer, I started to get pissed off that Scottish residents get their University fee's paid for by us.  By British tax payers.  It's our money.  My fucking money, since I keep getting taxed on my wages.  I'm paying for someone else to go to University when I don't even have the opportunity to go myself.  This isn't fair.  It's not fucking fair.  Fuck you, Gordon Brown.  And to think I voted for you, you fat shitty bastard.

So, tonight, I can't afford to eat, I can't afford to live, I can't afford to learn...  Where's the fairness in it all?  Why can't I do it too?

Is this just how I'm supposed to be?  Some idiot who works 9-5 for the rest of my life?

It looks like it...

Give to me by a friend, I decided to do Aelthar and Kami, my two lovely characters :3

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Do you prefer rough sex or sensual sex?

 Don't you think that'd be nice?  To be attractive?

I bought some clothes with my mum and dad today.  We actually had a very nice day - we rarely do things as a family so I enjoyed it.

I bought two new tops, a dress, a bikini and some new board shorts.

All of which I had to get in sizes I haven't fitted into since I was 15.

I've shrunk.  Even I can see it now.  I'm nowhere near as big as I used to be.  I'm very proud of myself.

But I still don't see myself as beautiful.  I'm still fat, however much weight I've lost.  And now i have to worry about my stretch marks and uneven skin.  I'm hoping to buy some bio-oil soon and get them sorted out before I go to spain.  But bio-oil is fucking expensive.  Then again, there shouldn't be a price on beauty, right?  

A bit more exercising and toning and I'll look half decent.  Then I might actually get some confidence. 

I like my dress. It's pretty.

In other news, I'm feeling....... anxious.  Restless.  Paranoid.  I have no idea why.  Maybe it's because I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore.  It's getting unhealthy - my obsession with losing weight and getting thinner.  I was happier when I was fatter, but now I can see my goal.  It's so close, but every time I take a step towards it, it takes a step back.

I've been considering throwing up.  Only for a few months.  Just to get myself thin for Spain.  Then it'll stop, I promise.

x

 What was the first thing I heard when I walked out of my house today?

 

"Ewwww look at that fat bitch!"
 

That's it for me...  Every doubt I ever had about my feelings, that I might actually be worth something... Down the drain...  I know for sure now how people see me...


I know people have tried to hard to get my self confidence up and try and help me, but it's not going to work.  Not anymore.  I'm too old for this, it's too late for me.


Thank you all, anyway.


x

 I'm normal.

I am.

Completely and utterly normal.

I have to keep telling myself that, at least.  It's difficult, you know?  To try and convince yourself and everyone around you that you're something you're not.  My head is so messed up;  It has been for years.  I can't just turn my back on a disorder that has, pretty much, become a part of who I am...

Not being able to express myself is really killing me.  I have to hold everything so tightly inside, close myself up, lock it all away.  Because I'm not allowed to be me anymore.  I have to be normal and I have to be alone.

And I am, as usual.  My head hurts from the isolation.  All I do in the day is go to college, come home and go on my laptop.  Usually I skip the former.  But still, I've lost my passion for life now.  For horses, for writing, for music, for friends, for feeling...  I've lost the passion.  Because passion means I have to express, it means I have to be unique and individual and I'm not allowed to do that.

I'm more depressed now than I have been in a long time, but in a completely different way.  Not depressed in the sense that my life sucks and I want to kill myself and blah blah blah.

But rather...  I'm depressed with myself.  With who I'm  becoming and how I'm allowing people to manipulate me to the point where my mannerisms aren't my own.  Where I'm not acting like me, but like a miniclone of who they think I should be.  

But I guess as long as it makes people happy I really shouldn't complain.  I can be empty and functional.  I don't need passion to survive.

x

I find this really strange.

I mean, really, really strange.

I don't understand the concept of this.  As someone who's had animals all my life, sure, I mourn their death when they die, but I'd never get to the point where I wouldn't forgive myself.  I mean, they're animals.  Yes, they're a part of your family and you love them, but... I just don't understand it.

My friend could be losing her rabbit and she's acting like it's the end of the world.  All I've been getting from her is how she doesn't know what she'll do if her rabbit dies, how she won't forgive herself and whatever else.

And this hurts me.  I'll tell you why.

When we lost my nephew last month she didn't help me grieve.  She didn't even acknowledge his death even though I was fucking ready to kill myself.  And now a pitiful little animal is going to die and it's like it's the end of the world.  I know I sound selfish, but in my eyes, she is.  How can you value an animals life over that of a human?  How can you not give a shit about a child dying, over an OLD rabbit?!

I'm getting so wound up, I just don't fucking get the logic.  I know she loves her animals, but why the fuck am I expected to give a shit when she didn't care about me losing an ACTUAL BLOOD RELATED FAMILY MEMBER.

Yeah, it's a bit of jealousy.  I've never had anyone really care about me or put me first.  I hoped for a while it'd be her, my best friend, but apparently family, animals, other friends, education, the whole fucking world is put before me so screw it.  I can't be arsed with this anymore.

I've got to try and control my BPD but it's becoming increasingly more difficult.  I need someone I can rely on.  I haven't even gotten over the death of my nephew.  And now she's shoving this down my throat.  Fuck it.

I'm done with this.

Edit:  Oh, it was my 19th birthday yesterday.  The day was spent with whatever I said pissing her off.  Clearly she didn't want to be with me so I won't get in touch with her again. 

Anndddd another long stretch of not posting.

I return to you as Claire vanishes to University again.  She pissed me off so much today.  I can usually tell when she's unhappy and I'll do my best to bring her out of it.  But when I told her something today and her response was, "That's a shame." it just really hit a nerve.

Fuck it.  I can't be arsed to deal with someone who is so wrapped up in their own little world.  Screw it.

Doesn't help that I'm fucking HUNGRY.

I'm trying to figure out how to get this fast started without ending up binging again halfway through.

I'm back down to 7st10 though.  I was at 7st7 the other day which pleased me, but I knew I'd just lost a bit of water weight so I didn't get too excited.

I'm tired.  When family guy finishes I'm getting my ass offline and will probably read a bit. 

x

So, it's Christmas Eve tomorrow.  My day, according to my friends and family  :]

Not this year, though.  I still need to buy last minute presents, wrap things, deliver things, everything.  Fuck me, I'm cutting everything so short this year.  I've bought most things, but Claire told me the other day that she's bought me loads of little things.  I've only got her 2 gifts and I'm knitting her a scarf.  That's pathetic!!  So... I'm going to get up early tomorrow morning and head into Solihull with my mum to grab her some stocking fillers.

I love Christmas.  Or, I did, anyway.  This year has just been hectic and horrible.  I feel like a right Scrooge McDuck!  T__T

Gawd I feel like crap... Two days, two bouts of crying.  This is fucking pathetic. 

D'you ever feel like you should look a certain way and have a certain lifestyle because of you're age?  I'm 18, for fucks sake.  I should be thin and beautiful with flawless skin, not fat and spotty, spending all my time at home because I can't be arsed to go out.  I hardly drink, I'm trying to stop smoking,  I've been single for the last 3 years or so.  Someone my age should be getting fucked every night, not sitting on a laptop wishing she could write or draw or have some kind of talent...

I'm not a proper teenager.  I'm aging prematurely.  This is bullshit, man, seriously.  I need to get my ass into a fucking relationship and stop being such a retard.  UGHHH

x

Spend all your time waiting, for that second chance,

How on Earth is it only tuesday?

I have seriously spent today thinking it's like, thursday.  My weeks are going so slow now.  I'm just looking forward to getting out of college, however tempting it is to quit now.  But hey, I have to stick with it.  I have 3 University acceptances, I can't afford to throw them away so carelessly.  I need them.  Especially if I want to get out of Birmingham.

Sigh.  I'm tired, but not tired, if that makes sense.  I had today off college because we were only in for an hour an a half, so I really couldn't be arsed with it.  Got up and 11:20am, and have sat on my laptop since.  I'm a lazy fucker, I know, but I've been quite content playing zOMG.  Tomorrow I'm not going in either.  Me and some college friends are meeting up town to try and sort out props for our music video.  We need 3 pig masks and 3 black capes/cloaks.  I'm tempted to pop into college and get out some cameras, but I think we'll end up getting distracted rather than filming.  Ahh well, that's how things are going to be.  We're filming next monday and tuesday.  Hopefully Claire can help us out.  If she can be bothered.


My creative flow = DEAD.  Seriously.  I have tried so hard to write some more of the girls story.  But it's just not working at all.  It's like they're not there at all.  I think I need to roleplay more.  Get my juices flowing, so to speak.

Alright, I think I'm going to play zOMG some more.  Need to get my CL up!  Must... reach... 5.0.........

x

"If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear..."



I feel so rough.  My throat feels like it has razorblades in it, I have a constant headache, not to mention my uterus officially despises me with a huge, BLOODY passion.

Yes, I know, I apologise for that imagery right thar, but that's life, as crappy as it is :)

I'm speaking to Claire again.  Well, she's speaking to me, haha.  Things are alright now.  I've gotten over things, and I'm taking the time to remember that things aren't going to be the same as they were when she lived in Brum.  Ho hum.

In other news, I'm having to start my Music Video project in college all over again.  Richard in my class was basically slagging me off on monday.  Now, I could have looked past that, had he decided to even speak to me to talk about getting filming done this week.  But, nope!  So it's his loss.  And mine, techincally.  I have until february to get everything sorted.  I just hope I can figure out what I'm going to do for it over christmas, and get the filming done.  Ugh.  Effort.

I had this morning off college.  Feel a little more refreshed now that I've actually caught up on a little sleep.  I always rest better in the morning, for some reason.  Though it does mean I have to be in college for half 1 (in about an hour and 15 minues) so I should really start winding down soon.

Christmas is coming up.  I'm looking forward to it - To seeing my family all together and being happy, for the first time in months.  I can feel it's going to improve now.  I've finally found myself in a place where I can be... I don't know... Not happy, but... Calm?  Yeah.  Calm.  Placid.  We have Max to thank for that - I can't believe I've finally found him, and he's amazing.  Max is the most wonderful being in the whole world to me, even if you don't believe in that kind of thing.

Yeah, he's my Spirit Guide.  I found him on monday night.  I was meditating and he just... Came... For the first time since I started doing this, when I was 15, he found me.  I found him.  Max, my little brown horse.  He's helped me so much already <3

Well, I'm going to finish reading my 'SEX, RESPECT YOURSELF' handbook we were given in a Safe Sex talk the other day, and then go upstairs and brush the Philly Cheese off my teeth xD  Speaking of that talk, we were given condoms, but I gave mine to Karl.  I mean, really, when the fuck will I be expected to use it?  I might as well become a nun, I can't expect someone to come along in the next few years unless I magically drop 3 stone before Uni and my skin clears up - Which I'm going to the doctors for, by the way.  I'm too fucking old to be getting break outs.  I blame college stress.

x

You should have seen the way she looked at me...

I have never seen such hate in a persons eyes.  Such scorn, such want just to hurt me, just to make sure I felt the pain of her intent.

She came over to drop some stuff round today.  Some clothes.  I know I've been a bit of an idiot these past few days.  I was hoping we could look past that and talk things through when she came over.  But when I opened my front door and saw her standing in my porch...  She has never looked at me like that...  It broke me in two....

Now I know, for sure, that my four year plan will go ahead.  I don't think I'm going to make it to Uni.  Not the way things have gone.  I hoped I would always have someone that could look past my mental instability.  Someone I could talk to and trust with my very soul.  But she's gone and torn it out of my chest.  I feel so broken right now.

I don't know what to feel.  Should I be happy that she's finally free of me?  Angry, because I was so prepared to work through this?  Or should I be sad that it's over...?  I just don't know anymore.  All of my emotions are running into one, streaming down my face.  My head feels as though it's about to burst. 

This is my own doing, though... I have no one to blame in any of this but myself, and I have no right to blame her for a thing...

It's over.  It's all over.

"I don't think I'm going to be alive in four years.  And I can finally say that with a smile on my face, despite everything.  I know I make living difficult for you, as much as I try to simplify it with pushing you away.  If you just listened to me in the first place and went your own way, then everything would have been fine.  But look at us now, broken and ruined, and it's all my fault.

It's the least I can do to fix things, and the only way you're going to realise how unhealthy I am is if I leave.  For good.  By the end of these few years, there will be no coming back to me.  It'll be the end, and I can only pray that it doesn't hurt you in the end, and that you have forgotten about me.

Lets not fight anymore.  With every wrong word we throw at one another, my heart tears in two.  I can feel it ripping from my chest, and it's only ripping for one person.  But with my pain, I can't imagine what I put you through.  I know I'm difficult and I know how I can make life, even though you're already going through so much shit.  Why else do you think I hate talking about myself so much?  Why else would I always veer the conversation elsewhere if you ask me about my day.  One word answers are the key to this.

The thing is, I know as much as I cry and scold myself for being such an idiot, things aren't going to change, and you know it too.  You're growing up so quickly now, with other friends and a life that I can never and shall never be a part of.

So I'll leave you to it, because it's the best thing for you.  Four years.  That's my time scale.  Perhaps you'll be in Japan during that time, who knows.  I just hope you're not around to witness it.  A lot of punishment is going to be dealt, I promise you.  And I truely am sorry.  For being me, unable to change, dragging you down wherever I go, unintentionally manipulating you.  Four years.

Four years."

Ah, negativity... I was waiting for it to crop up its ugly head again...   Not much I can do about it, though, I guess.  Things are shit right now. I know my perspective is warped because of this idiotic lack of confidence and constant seeking of approval, but, really, it's shit.  I have a weekend job so at least I'm earning money, but the weekend was the only time I ever had to see anyone.  To do anything.

It sucks because my college days are completely full now, too. 

I realised last night, as well...  I'm making all of the effort.  The last few times I've seen Claire, it has been me waddling up to fucking Oxford, using money belonging to my parents, to see her.  Does she ever make an effort, when she's down here, to see me?  No... She'll quite happily see other friends, but me?  I am insignificant.

I'm tired, as well.  I had yesterday morning off college because I seriously needed to catch up on sleep.  But it didn't help.  I've been getting up at half 7 every morning for the past 3 weeks or so.  Doesn't help that I can't physically get to sleep until after midnight, at least.  My body clock is screwed up.

So, that's making me grouchy as well.

Ugh.

Okay, I'm going to play a game... An RPG of some sort... Don't know what yet...

Otoru is keeping me sane.

x

It's been a while, huh?

I should start by saying, things didn't work out with that guy, and then he turned around and basically started being a twat and calling me horrible things.

Now, Eve is down... About finance.... Because I have no idea how I'm going to afford University...

I'm not asking for advice from anyone because I really can't handle people throwing ideas at me right now...

I just need to vent how stressed out I am about it.  I need someone close to me to help me out.  Someone who can hold my hand while I attempt to find some way to pay for what the student loan won't cover.  Doesn't help that I won't see Claire anymore because of my weekend job.  Even though I invite her out on the saturday evening and she always has something else planned.

I guess things are on a downer right now.

I'm stuck.  I can't see how things are going to work out.  There's no way I'll earn enough money in time to go, especially since this is only a christmas weekend job.  And then there's the fact that I need 240 points to get into a Uni... At the moment I only have 114....

Things are looking bleak...

x

Wow.... Just.... Wow....

He's coming to Birmingham to see me on Friday. We're going to talk things through and see how it goes.

We've been extremely dirty tonight......... not that you needed to know..... but I'm so fucking turned on by him right now..........



Ben says:
You amaze me
«Oº°‘__鍵__"From sorrow, To tomorrow, When I'll breath fresher air."++ ‘°ºO» says:
How so?
Ben says:
I find you incredible
Ben says:
I don't know

 Sigh...

Okay, I know I overreacted.  But really, I feel really low right now.  I keep reading into everything he says.  We're not even together, but I feel like he's trying to get me to act.... not like me.  At least until we're 'official'.  I mean, if you know me personally, you'll also know how flirtatious I am.  And I can't help it.  Because I'm really fucking attracted to him.  I really like him.

I think I'm just stressing myself out.  I'm not used to this.  Or to him.  I keep doubting everything.  Jesus, I even keep thinking "what if I catch him doing something with Claire?"  Because if that happened, I'd've lost my best friend and him all at once.

Ugh...

Short post is short.

I'm tired.

And grouchy.  And lovelorn, though I can't do anything about it.

Fuck...

Things were going so well.

So fucking well.

I should have known.

Too well.

Why?  Jesus Christ, I'm such an annoying piece of shit.  We spoke until 4:30am last night, just talking.  He said he liked me back, everything was going great, I spent today in the best mood I've been in for years.  And I get home, and his answer to one question has got me in fucking tears.

I finally find someone I like.  Someone that doesn't make me feel like crap.  Not intentionally, anyway.

It's just the way he put it.

Here, I'll post it.


Me:  Question;  Did you say anything to Claire about... This, yet?
Him:  ...no.  If we're being technical, I guess there's not really a 'this' yet.


I'm a fool for believing things could change.

I've known him all of 2 days and I'm smitten.  Which is utterly pathetic of me.  I knew I should have backed off before I got used to the idea of actually being with someone.

People like me are meant to be alone.

I should have learnt that by now.